


And in the Naked Light I saw

by Enk



Series: Hello Darkness [2]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alcohol Withdrawal, Angst, Domestic, Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-09
Updated: 2017-10-08
Packaged: 2019-01-11 00:02:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12310650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Enk/pseuds/Enk
Summary: Peter's near-death experience triggers an existential crisis in Tony.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [fullofleaves](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fullofleaves/gifts).



> Set some time after Hello, Darkness during the events of Spider-Man Homecoming. Written for fullofleaves' birthday and posted a million years late.

Tony closes his eyes when the call disconnects. He takes a deep breath, the tang of alcohol still on his tongue. Self-driving cars, self-driving armour, it made the world a safer place. Only what if he hadn't been able to get to a place with a connection. He’s halfway across the world when Friday alerted him to Peter's difficulties as she so put it. Difficulties. Peter almost died. Tony runs a hand over his face and watches the world go by. What would have happened if it had been ten minutes later, if Tony had drunk more alcohol, if he hadn't heard his cellphone alert, if he hadn't managed to connect to his satellite? The what ifs circle his head like vultures jumping on every negative thought he could possibly conjure until they all combine into a single voice a chorus of "What if Peter had died? What if you killed Peter?"

 

That’s on him. One hundred percent on him. Peter is just a kid, a fucking kid. Unlike what Rogers and Jones assumed, he hadn't enlisted Peter as a child soldier. The contrary really. He had brought Peter to Germany to get them all to talk. Only of course it had backfired and instead of everyone sitting down to talk, he'd watched his friend fall out of the sky and wrapped Peter in ice while his ribs healed. Intentions don't fucking matter when you screw it up in the end. Tony leans back in the car seat and closes his eyes.

 

"Take me home." He says and hopes he falls asleep. He doesn't. He wishes he wouldn't be so fucking alone, but alas, Loki had stayed for a grand total of a week before he'd grown antsy, beyond antsy. He'd been downright insufferable during the last day when Tony had finally snapped and told him to go back to Asgard if he was bored. And Loki had disappeared. It still fucking hurts a lot. Loki hadn't even said goodbye, just disappeared. That's what they do now. Be together for a few days, then Loki disappears without a word or any indication when or even if he'll come back. Tony hates to admit that he wishes things were different, that Loki would stay.

 

By the time the car arrives at the airport, Tony has managed to brood himself into an incredibly dark hole. He's annoyed with Loki, but mostly with himself. Peter is his responsibility. He hadn't been, but Tony had stepped up to mentor. Only he's as shit a mentor as he is a leader or a CEO or whatever the hell the press thinks he is to Pepper. It doesn't matter. And it won't matter if he keeps fucking up. The public narrative is on his side but that isn't what he wants. He doesn't care about narrative or optics, he just wants his friends to stop getting hurt. And maybe the guy who he sleeps with on a regular basis to not do the god thing for once and stay more than a week at a time before he gets bored. Tony gets it and that hurts. He’s only human after all and they haven’t really defined anything. Maybe they will, maybe one day.

 

Tony can't wait for that. He can’t wait for Loki to make up his mind about what he wants when that's how they've always been. When Tony never indicated that he wants something else. When Tony isn't even sure that something else is what he wants or what that would look like. He doesn't sleep on the plane. He can't. There is too much to think over, too many decisions he has to make. And when he lands several hours later, Happy picks him up in the usual car. Not a word about the kid. That's good. The last thing Tony needs to hear is a recap of his failures.

 

"We find a buyer yet?" He asks because he hasn't checked his messages and he isn't going to now. He has people for that. He has Happy for that.

 

"Buyer and closing date. 24 percent over asking, Pepper wants me to tell you that you're welcome."

 

All his work, sold in less than a week. It should make him feel accomplished but all Tony feels is exhaustion. It had supposed to be their do-over. Returning to New York, to Tony's home. It was supposed to be the new beginning. Instead, it had been a decade of disasters. The compound is home now. Tony, Rhodey, and Vision...and once all is said and done, also Happy. It reads like the saddest sitcom he's ever encountered. A billionaire, a guy with a broken back, an all-powerful android, and the driver. It feels like this should have happened in Tony's early 20s, not when he's pushing 50. Fuck, he's pushing 50.

 

"Everything all right boss?"

 

"I'm an old washed-up alcoholic wannabe hero who just sold his greatest accomplishment."

 

"Yeah, jetlag will do that to ya." Happy simply says and Tony can't help the smile twitching at the corner of his lips. Fine, maybe he will mope a little less then.

 

When they arrive, no one is home. Rhodey is at physio and Vision presumably had either accompanied him or was contemplating existence as a flamingo in Cyprus. Both are equally likely. After they arrive, Happy immediately returns to the city to finalise moving logistics. And Tony is okay with that. Some time alone, that will help him think. He ignores his horrible track record with being alone. So, he heads to his penthouse, greatly scaled down to a kitchen, a large living room, his bedroom, an ensuite bathroom, and a workshop. He would need even less but it had been the easiest way to partition off a section of the compound that was completely private and away from everyone. It's not that Tony has turned into an introvert, but the more time passes, the less time he wants to spend with people.

 

"Hey Friday," he says when he walks into the kitchen and tosses his jacket and suitcase in the corner and opens the fridge in search for ice. He needs a drink. That's when he pauses. He needs a drink. He always needs a drink. While he doesn't get frat party trashed anymore, he still always has a drink. He always needs a drink, to relax, to wake up, to function. It's been 24 hours since his last drink. He knows there isn't much time before he will start to feel it. He glanced up at the cupboard above the fridge. It only took moments to climb the step ladder and look at everything he has stashed away somewhat out of reach. He had just moved his personal bar a few days ago and until the new bar would be built, everything is kept here. He just needs to choose his poison of the day. What will he drink himself senseless with this afternoon? It is then he thinks of Peter. Of all the choices he has made in his entire life, this one seems to carry the greatest weight.

 

“Aw fuck, this is going to suck,” he says to himself and begins to grab bottles. It’s a snap decision, but he sticks with it. He pours the bottles into the sink one armful at a time. He feels like a man possessed but he can’t stop. There’s a kid’s life that depends on him being sober. This is what he needs to do, what he has to do. He already can’t live with himself. He might as well not live with himself sober and give the kid a chance. When he has the last five bottles in his arms, he misses a step. He isn’t sure why or how and really, he has no time to think when he falls onto the floor. He can’t breathe. He let go of the bottles in an attempt to shield his face with his arms. Everything shatters around him, he can smell alcohol and blood before the world turns black.


	2. Chapter 2

 

Finding Tony drunk on the kitchen floor is not exactly something that still surprises Loki. He had known the man for long enough to know that his addiction is a force well beyond the will of mortal men. Finding Tony on the floor covered in alcohol and broken glass is new and takes even Loki by surprise. He just returned from Asgard having negotiated a new trade route which would better suit Asgard's economic wealth and looked forward to seeing Tony, to seeing a face from which he did not have to hide. This is not quite what he had envisioned their reunion to be.

 

"Hey," Tony smiles with what appeared to be relief when he sees Loki. It is likely best not to question how long the man had been there. "Little help?"

 

"I believe you are supposed to ingest alcohol, not apply it as a topical ointment." Loki says and kneels beside Tony still wearing leather boots and trousers. He picks a few shards of glass from Tony's hair with a soft smile and helps the man stand, pulling him away from the ridiculous mess he had made.

 

"Dare I ask what happened?" He says as he wills the mess to disintegrate into its molecular form.

 

Tony watches the mess disappear. He is always mesmerised by Loki's talents. It felt... it makes Loki feel oddly appreciated. Ever since his mother's death, Loki had not sought anyone's approval and yet, Tony always makes him feel particularly special and interesting. Perhaps the secret to being a god is simply to find one who worships him truly and the rest no longer matter. And if that is the case, Tony himself is also a god.

 

"I may have tried to get rid of some surplus alcohol." Tony looks sheepish. He is not usually clumsy, even when he is drunk the man possesses quite a penchant for keeping his balance. Loki steadies him with a gentle touch to his lower back. Tony's shirt is soaked, both with alcohol and sweat.

 

Loki says nothing else, but gently guides Tony toward the bathroom. He does not feel nurturing or helpful or filled with concern for others, but when it comes to taking care of Tony, it simply feels right to use that particular human colloquialism. He doesn’t question why. It is easier not to do so. In the bathroom, he helps Tony out of his shirt and trousers and kisses his temple before sending him into the shower. He does not join him, but he does sit on the bathroom counter while Tony washes away the strong scent of alcohol and replaces it with the equally strong scent of his shower gel. Loki prefers the latter and the way it clings to the man's skin.

 

Tony takes longer than usual and just as Loki thinks to offer him assistance, he comes out of the shower, wraps a towel around his waist, smiles, and promptly throws up in the toilet. Loki frowns. Something is wrong. The man is not drunk, and yet he is not well. He kneels beside Tony and gently caresses his back, drawing runes on his skin to help ease the nausea. He watched them light up silver and fade to black before disappearing. That is also different. Loki frowns but doesn’t let Tony see.

 

"Tony," he says as he continues to caress the man's back even if the runes could not ease his misery, "when is the last time you have had a drink?"

 

"You catch on fast," Tony says, spits into the toilet with a grimace, and flushes. He turns to get up- "nope." He turns back and throws up again, the stench of sweet bile clinging to the by now hot and humid air of the bathroom.

 

"Long enough for this to happen." Tony says with a groan a long while later. Loki still leans against the wall beside him.

 

Loki knows the outcome of Tony's addiction and that if untreated, it is nearly always death and even if treated, it would forever be something with which he would have to wrestle. Tony had declined Loki's offer to alter his DNA structure to remove the gene that coded for his addictions. Something about that being cheating and creepy. And even though Loki thought it was a strange and incomprehensible stance to have on this when Tony had been perfectly fine with his molecular structure being changed until he resembled a slime monster, but Loki digressed and respected his wishes.

 

"You know it is within my ability to help you." Loki says and trails his fingers along Tony’s spine.

 

"I'd rather you just pour out the mouthwash for me." Tony says, ever defiant and it makes Loki smile and do as he requested. He watches Tony brush his teeth and contemplates how fleeting a moment in time they would have together. Perhaps this is why he so often feels the overwhelming urge to leave. The longer he stays with Tony, the stronger he feels the vice tighten around his heart when he thinks of how short the lives of humans truly are.

 

"Will you allow me to ease your suffering at least?" He says as he watches beads of cold sweat collect on Tony's forehead. "It is dangerous to do this without aid." Tony could die. Human physiology is as resilient as it is incredibly susceptible to shock. It seems paradoxical for Tony's body to die from the removal of what it is addicted to, but alas, Loki cannot change the biological makeup of an entire race. Well, perhaps if he concentrated hard enough but as Vision had explained to him, such display of power is generally frowned upon. Which is likely why Vision wears sweater vests and dresses more like a professor than the all-powerful being he is. If Loki had the power of an infinity stone, he would not bother dressing at all.

 

Tony brushes his teeth before answering. He leans his head against Loki's shoulder and nods. Loki pretends he does not feel relief. "Yeah, okay," Tony says. Loki suspects he has been suffering for quite some time already and that certainly is a pang of guilt Loki feels about not returning sooner. After all, they had been bound together by something that he cannot yet explain. Or perhaps he can and it is simply his inability to linger on introspection. He picks up Tony, towel and all, and carries him into the bedroom of the space Tony had made for himself. Away from the city. It makes a lot of sense, putting less people in danger. Though it still does not explain why Tony had chosen now to stop drinking, while Loki was away without telling anyone else. He lays him gently on the bed and let the clothes disappear from his back and sat naked on the bed beside Tony. Clothes were mostly a bother these days, another way he could not be himself as he hid behind a mask of Odin.

 

"Turn over for me," Loki says softly and kisses Tony's lips. "It will require more space to draw the runes which will help you feel better."

 

And Tony does as he is told without asking questions. He only sighs when Loki began to weave the spells required to ease the withdrawals and to help heal the damage Tony's addiction had caused. After a little while, Loki opens his mouth to ask if Tony feels any better, only Tony is already fast asleep.


	3. Chapter 3

He can taste grass when he wakes up and for a moment Tony is a little terrified that he'd been on another bender and literally woken up in a ditch. However, he neither feels a breeze on his skin nor does he feel the unforgiving ground beneath him. No, he feels the soft but firm mattress underneath him. He feels slightly chilled underneath the blankets but there is a warm body beside him. He smiles when there isn't just a warm body beside him but a body which wraps a strong arm possessively around him and first thing in the morning? Yeah that's exactly what Tony needs. Possessiveness isn't usually Tony's thing, neither giving nor receiving, but this is okay, this he can enjoy for the time being. He works himself tighter into Loki's embrace and kisses his arm.

 

"You are awake then," Loki says quietly like he'd actually slept. After everything, Tony still isn't sure if Loki still sleeps or if he just pretends when they're together, entirely for Tony's benefit.

 

"Mostly," Tony mumbles against Loki's skin because he doesn't want to be awake yet. He wants to be snuggled and he doesn't care if that's not what they usually do- only it totally is even if neither of them will admit it. Loki appears to agree because he merely makes a soft affirmative noise and pulls Tony closer. And just like that, Tony dozes off again, blissful and content, not allowing himself to be swept up in disruptive questions like what had happened and how long had he been asleep.

 

It lasts another hour or so before Tony wakes up again, this time wide awake. And that's when the questions begin to accumulate, when the memories begin to dance around his head until that's all he can possibly think of. And Loki doesn't say anything. Tony knows he would have noticed the increase in his heart rate by now, would have felt how Tony's body began to tense and tighten in his embrace. But he says nothing, because Loki has learned that Tony isn't a fan of Loki overtly flaunting his powers when it came to how Tony felt.

 

"What happened?" Tony finally asks because he can't keep still anymore. He turns around in Loki's arms and looks at him. If he had slept, it wasn't obvious. Loki looked alert and kind and just looking at him distracts Tony enough from the ever increasing anxiety he feels.

 

"You fell." Loki says and for a moment Tony really wants to roll his eyes. "I found you amongst shattered bottles, bleeding and unwell. You did not throw up on me despite your best attempts and I... helped you heal."

 

"You fixed my withdrawal symptoms." Tony tries to remember whether or not he consented to that, but Loki had been so good with accepting boundaries.

 

"I asked," Loki says with a soft smile and brushes his thumb over Tony's cheek. "But I have to admit, I cannot say if I would have listened had you said no. You were really quite unwell. You could have died." Loki says when he pulls away. "I would prefer if you did not die without letting me know first." Tony raises an eyebrow because he has follow-up questions but Loki kisses him again and sits up. So much for staying in bed all day making out without brushing his teeth.

 

"You want me to talk." It isn’t a question. They had promised after all they would turn into monsters together. That meant talking, Tony knows that. Only they had avoided that particular part of their lives rather well.

 

"After coffee." Loki says with a smile and gets up out of bed.

 

"Oh for fuck's sake, really?" Tony groans when Loki stands in the room completely naked and how is he supposed to talk when he's too busy memorising every single line of Loki's body?

 

"I thought you could use incentive to get out of bed." Loki winks and walks out of the bedroom.

 

And yeah, he's right about that incentive thing because Tony is up and out of bed in seconds and in the shower brushing his teeth in under a minute. Naked Loki is a hell of an incentive and not just because of the sex. Though that's incentive, too. Probably what Loki will hold over him to get him to talk. Or maybe not, it’s hard to tell with Loki on a good day. Sometimes even Tony can't tell if he is dead serious or joking, but that's one of the many, many things that make this relationship- is that what this is? - fun. Tony actually pulls on boxer briefs because he doesn't want to presume and walks into the kitchen.

 

It smells like coffee and bacon, too. Fuck, he must truly have been in danger last night if Loki's making breakfast. He knows Loki likes to cook. It's a bizarre kind of thing because Loki doesn't strike anyone as the kind of person who would enjoy cooking. For the first few times, Tony had thought Loki was playing some kind of ridiculous prank on him and he'd been terrified before taking the first bite. As it turned out, Loki didn't just like to cook, he was pretty good, too. So of course he has to walk up behind Loki and wrap his arms around the man's waist. He still hasn't put on clothes which in Tony's mind makes him even more badass. Cooking bacon naked? They can conquer the whole universe together.

 

"Coffee is on the counter," Loki says and turns around briefly to kiss Tony and give him that extra moment of domestic bliss. Neither of them do domestic bliss. It's not what they want from life. They're not romantic people. Not at all. That's why Loki totally doesn't keep Tony close for a little longer and kisses him again. Not at all. They don't do romance. And Tony doesn't melt into that second kiss with a smile. Not at all. Ever. Nope. He does pull away when bacon fat spatters and stings his skin and Loki pushes him towards coffee. Black with sugar. Because he knows. Tony sits down on one of the stools in front of the kitchen island and takes a few long sips until Loki puts a plate of bacon and eggs in front of him. Loki only has a cup of coffee. Tony remembers when Loki had eaten like he was going to starve, but that too had changed. He has asked once, the answer had hurt his brain.

 

"Peter almost died." He says before he starts eating. He has to get that out of the way before he can eat.

 

"The boy spider?" Loki sits down across from him with a cup of tea and raises an eyebrow. "The one you have told me you are most certainly not mentoring and only keeping an eye on him because you are unfit to mentor anyone because you are an utter mess?"

 

"Wow." Tony says and looks in his coffee. "I know you meant it when you said you wouldn't lie to me, but you sure could pull your punches a bit."

 

"My apologies, the nuances of your culture still escape me." Loki smirks as he takes a sip of coffee.

 

"You are so full of shit, babe."

 

"As you have repeatedly told me." Loki leans back in his chair and looks at Tony. And Tony knows what comes next. "What you have not told me is how the boy spider nearly dying led to my finding you in a pool of alcohol and blood."

 

"He's just a kid and I gave him a million-dollar suit and if he's even a fraction of how I was at 16, then... I was across the fucking world. What would have happened if I'd gotten drunk? If I'd not been near my phone. I had a lot of time to think about it and it all boiled down to my drinking and how whether or not I want to, I'm responsible. Someone has to be."

 

Loki stays silent much too long for Tony's comfort. He isn't sure if this means that he's just thinking about what he's going to say. But that in and of itself is a trap too isn't it? If he has to be thoughtful about what he says, if Loki of all people has to be thoughtful about what he is going to say then it has to be bad. Then Tony really fucked up and there is no way of making that better now is there. He should just stay away from the kid and let him do his thing and just-

 

"Anthony?" Loki looks at him with some kind of expectation.

 

"What?" Tony says, confused and unsure of what's going on exactly.

 

"You did not hear me, did you?" Loki's smile is fond like he knows what's going on inside Tony’s head. And maybe he does. What if he does? What if he can actually read his mind and- "Anthony." A hand joins his with a soft smile. "Only a fool would miss the many thoughts inside your head right now." He smoothed Tony's fingers against his with warm fingers. "You furrow your brow and grind your teeth when you are carried away by your thoughts. And your hands tighten." Loki presses a soft kiss against Tony's temple and Tony closes his eyes. Loki's warm presence grounds him.

 

"I didn't hear you." He admits unable to look at Loki.

 

"I know." Loki says and takes a drink from Tony's coffee. "I asked if you were terrified that you would repeat your father's sins."

 

"Now I just don't want to have heard you." Tony feels his entire being tighten. If cells could be tight on their own, yeah that's happening too.

 

"You are not your father." Loki says simply as if there is no argument to be made here.

 

"Looking a lot like I am from this vantage point."

 

"Well you are wrong." Loki says. Again like there's no argument to be made here.

 

"Look I get that whole god thing and in comparison to humanity yeah I can see how you would think yourself superior and how you can just observe and understand us but you don't know him, you don't know the things he did and the things I have done and it just doesn't work this way, Loke."

 

Loki doesn't sigh, but he looks at Tony for a few long breaths. "Explain it to me, then." He says and it's surprisingly genuine. "How are you like your father?"

 

"Well I'm an alcoholic."

 

"That makes a significant portion of mankind like your father as well."

 

"Maybe don't interrupt me," Tony feels defensive and frankly justified in being so. "I'm an alcoholic, I'm a genius, and I want to do good in the world. He was an alcoholic and a genius and his biggest fault was wanting to do good in the world."

 

Loki says nothing just listens and waits.

 

"He thought that weapons could be a deterrent and the science around them would create a better world only they didn't. I tried that, I tried to exact same fucking things as he did and it went nowhere. Ever."

 

"Yet you are not your father." He says again and Tony isn't sure if he wants to punch him or simply walk away. "For one, your father is dead." Tony blinks because really? But Loki continues. "You are alive and you want to be a better person than he was. From your accounts he does not strike me as a person who understood his own faults. You do."

 

Maybe kiss him instead of punching and walking away, because fuck, maybe he needs to seriously think about the kind of guy he is. The words strike a chord within him in ways he hadn't expected. He is trying to be a better person and he does understand his faults. And he doesn't need anyone to hold his hand through it. Loki helps, subtly in small ways because he knows Tony won't accept any of the larger ways he offers.

 

"Yeah," he says with a sigh and looks at his plate, "still fucking fail at it."

 

"Well I suppose that is because humanity is inherently flawed."

 

"Oh fuck off," Tony says with an eye roll but he leans closer against Loki. "I'm not going to drink again." That's already decided.

 

"What about the child?"

 

"I don't want to fuck things up-"

 

"You will," Loki smiles and Tony really needs to give him a book or something about human interactions cause christ, Loki is about as gentle as a sledgehammer. "Being a mentor and a role model, it is hard. As hard as being a parent. You will fail, but so will he and he will fail a lot more than you as he is still a child."

 

"Didn't realise you head a bunch of parenting books while you were gone." Tony says as a joke, but the look on Loki's face- he drops it. Now isn’t the time to go there even if Tony has more questions than answers. "So I mentor him, keep him alive as much as I can and be there if he fucks up."

 

"And maybe hit on his aunt a little less. It is rather unbecoming." Loki says without looking at Tony. "And I don't like it." He adds and that makes Tony smile. Just enough possessiveness for Tony to know that what they have isn’t just another thing to either of the,

 

"You know it doesn't mean anything."

 

"I also know it is your default setting," now Loki looks at him. "I still don't have to enjoy it."

 

"No more flirting with May, got it." Tony is still smiling because that's a revelation he likes, Loki still being a little possessive. "I'll make sure he stays alive during his endeavours. I'll put a drone suit on watch 24/7. His suit is child-proof. I'll give him space, don't look like I'm meddling. He'll be okay"

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

Peter isn't okay. Nothing is okay. He looks at Loki with frustration as he makes the- he's lost count how many times he's spoken to the FBI now.

 

"How did he even uncover this?!" He runs a hand over his face.

 

"He's a clever boy?" Loki smirks like he's actually a little proud of the kid.

 

Tony explains a lot of things, keeps explaining them because apparently FBI directors are incapable of comprehending that someone could have uncovered this kind of illegal tech ring. When they have the audacity to ask why Iron Man isn't taking care of this, Tony nearly throws the phone across the room in frustration.

 

When he finally gets off the phone, he sighs.

 

"They are going to figure it out," He says and reaches for a cup of coffee. He isn't sure how many he's had so far but it's definitely the second pot. "They have everything they could possibly need, we pulled all important information wirelessly from the suit. Now he just has to stay out of it and everything will be fine and he'll be safe."

 

Loki doesn't respond but simply wraps his arms around Tony with a soft sigh. They both know, Peter isn't just going to stay away.

 

It's pretty bad. Not as horrible as it could have been all things considered, but it's bad, and for teenage standards? It's fucking bad. Tony fixes it because he has to, because he's the guy who gave the kid the suit. He blanks when he steps out of the suit and when he sees Peter's face it takes everything not to pull the kind into a hug. He's an adult man with no relationship with the kid, hugging is not going to be an option. Ever. But he knows that face, he's seen that face in the mirror many times. It's the kind of face that a person gets when they know they fucked up and they fucked up badly.

 

In the end, Happy picks them up and they drop off Peter at his home. When Tony walks in with the suit in a bag, Loki's face softens in ways Tony doesn't ever recall seeing. He just wraps his arms around him and kisses his temple. "You're doing the best you can." He says and that's a really parental thing to say.

 

"You have kids, don't you?"

 

"I am many centuries older than you." Loki simply says and Tony just takes that as a yes.

 

“You know we can talk if you like.” He offers because maybe, maybe it’s time.

 

“I know,” Loki says and to Tony’s surprise reaches for his hand and squeezes it. Maybe it isn’t too complicated to talk about now, but Loki isn’t ready. So they don't. Instead, they sit on the couch together and read, because that's a thing they do now. Tony can't say he dislikes it, not when Loki's legs are across his and they both sit in comfortable silence.

 

“Hey Loke,” Tony tries to say casually after the comfort has passed, after he can’t keep silent anymore because the fear of Loki leaving again creeps up his spine and threatens to paralyse him.

 

“Yes?” Loki puts down his book and looks at Tony. The flicker of hope Tony sees in Loki’s eyes makes him go through with the question that has been burning in his throat.

 

“Will you stay?” He asks, his voice unusually quiet. “Not just for a while… but for good.”

 

It will change everything, but Tony doesn’t want to do all of this alone. He wants Loki here, wants to wake up beside him as often as he possibly can before the difference in their mortality will catch up with them. He’s not sure what he’s expected, but it isn’t Loki looking startled like he’s surprised Tony’s asked that question. Maybe he isn’t the only one insecure here, maybe being a god isn’t all that different. And just maybe, Loki’s feelings of not being good enough didn’t stop with the rule of Asgard. It does make Tony feel a bit better and he puts down his own book and moves to straddle Loki’s lap, kisses him like he means it, and asks again: “Will you stay with me? For as long as we have?”

 

The sound that escapes Loki before he kisses Tony in response sounds a lot like a sigh of relief. But Tony won’t even think about holding it against him because the kiss is all he needs to know the answer. Still his heart beats heavy in his chest when Loki pulls away from him and looks Tony in the eyes when he says “Yes”. It burns both their hearts when they realise how little time that truly is.

 

                                                                                                                                                                                              _fin._

 

 


End file.
